Seriously, Cosmo, you're just telling me what I already know...

So, this article was circulating on Twitter this week. I noticed that it starts off with what the ladies can say to the guys in order to enhance their "special moment" and hey, that's cool. Although whenever I've read that in my fiction books, I've been a little dubious about it's sexiness, so consider yourselves vindicated oh authors whose heroines use that phrase. I humbly apologize for ever having doubted you.

Then we get to the good stuff. That is, we get to the part about what sexy talk enhances a woman's pleasure and, being a woman, I was very interested in this part. I thought maybe I could pass a little helpful advice on to the hubby. "Look honey, it says in this article that if you say this to me, I'll have the best orgasm ever."
But as you read it, you will realize that it's actually telling women what to say out loud to maximize their own enjoyment, not what the gents should say to the ladies. Now, I'm all for women doin' what they gotta to get their "happy time" but why the hell do we always have to do all the work? Not only do we have to talk dirty to our partner during sex, but we also have to talk dirty for ourselves? Come on fellas, step up a bit here. I'm not askin' for much, just for you to carry some of the load, that's all.

Seriously though, the fact that women are responsible for their partner's and their own pleasure? So typical... LOL.

Marketing Ploy Fail

So, it was brought to my attention on twitter that a book had been written based on the upcoming movie, Red Riding Hood. This was not totally strange to me, even though it's usually a movie based on a book, but I've seen this before with movies and television series moving into books. What was odd to me was that, for starters, the book was apparently published in January of this year while the movie won't be out until March. This didn't totally make sense to me considering that the movie would be spoiled for a lot of people and if they liked the book they may go see the movie, but if they didn't like the book, the movie may be out ticket sales. Also, that's a few months time for the hype of the book to die down and people may lose interest in the movie. I'm not a marketing genius by any means, but I would think it would make sense to release the book at the same time or after the movie releases.

Apparently the publishers thought of this however and the answer they arrived at boggled my mind just a bit. It seems that when you get to the end of the book, there is no last chapter. What you get instead is instructions to go to a website to read the last chapter. Now, if you visit that website now you will be informed that you will have to wait to read the last chapter until after the movie has been released. Now see? No spoiled ending and the publisher keeps you on the hook and your interest piqued. After all, you do want to know how the story ends, don't you? The real kicker here is that there is no warning on the cover of the book or in the book description telling the book buying public that you will be paying full price (at least $9) for a book with no tangible ending. Now, I could be overreacting here, but I feel like that's a major fuck you to the intelligence of the book buying public. Do they honestly think we would find it cute to turn to the what should be the first page of the last thrilling chapter only to get a message that basically says "Ha ha! Bet you thought there'd be an ending here. Sucka!"?
Are we supposed to give them points for creativity? Novelty? Big, huge brass balls?

ETA: So I just went on the website redridinghoodbook.com and was greeted by a huge and cheerful countdown widget announcing on 23 days left til you can have the satisfaction of knowing how the book you paid for in monopoly real money is going to end! Ooh, the suspense, y'all!

Ok, I put it to you, the book consumers of the world, how would you feel having picked up what you assumed to be a finished copy and then found out there was, not even a lack of a happy ending, but simply a lack of any ending at all? I mean sure, there'll be an ending on the website, but whenever you want to re-read the book are you supposed to go back to the website to re-read the last chapter? How long will the site be up? Do they expect you to pass down an incomplete book to your kids (if it's even good enough, I can't say)? Is this a sign of things to come in the publishing industry? What are your thoughts?

Men

So, I was having a random convo with my hubster, Mr T, as I am wont to do, and I mentioned that I prefer the term "self-castigate" as opposed to "self-flagellate." To which he responds, "That's because it sounds closer to castrate." Which led to this exchange:

Me: Does EVERYTHING have to be about your nuts?

Mr. T: Yeah. Pretty much.

::headdesk::

There's a difference between owning your sexuality and having it own you

It's that time again!!! A rant is a comin on, y'all.

So, I'm all for enjoying man candy and girl candy and all sorts of candy. I really am. I am also known for exhorting my girls to own their sexuality. Don't be afraid to have desires, don't be a prude because you think lightning shall burst from the sky and ream your ass for having a libido. However, ladies, ladies, please, y'all don't have to be slavering, howling and acting like you're in heat at the sight of a male (and not always even a very hot one at that). I mean, have some self respect. It's getting so I can't talk about sports and actually be interested in them for the sake of the sport. Nope. It's just an excuse to parade man candy around and ovulate, apparently. You can't watch a show without girls screaming to get the short and less attractive guy out of the way so we can just watch the hung guy boff people. Srsly, y'all, there are shows where you can have little to no plot and sleazy guys packin ridiculous heat screwin anything and everything. It's called porn. Go on and get you some. Really. If women watched more of that then maybe they wouldn't try to make EVERYTHING from sports, books, tv shows, interviews, conversations, movies, etc, etc, etc into porn. Go, get thee a vibrator. And don't be cheap, get a good one. Get a good porno. Take care of that so that you can not embarrass the female population with.....well, let's just say that if it were men talking about women like that, there'd be bitch slapping involved.

So, to recap: Don't be afraid of sex and talking about it, having it, fantasizing about it, reading about it, writing about, liking the hell out of it, but let's have a lil dignity, shall we?

The Old, "What do you mean we didn't use protection?!" Scene

So, I was reading a review by another blogger recently and she mentioned how unnecessary it seemed for the hero and heroine to have this whole, "Oh, btw we totes forget protection for the whole like week we've been fizznucking and oops!" conversation because it kind of came out of nowhere and only served to show the hero was a stand up guy that would do right by his love if he knocked her up. When I read this it reminded me of a niggling pet peeve of mine that I just had to unleash on you all (totes sorry) and hope that I'm not the only one.

So, the hero and heroine have been going at it like rabbits all night or often times, for a sextastic weekend. Hey, I'm lovin it so far. When all of a sudden the hero (which is so ironic) or the heroine suddenly informs their partner, "Oh noes! We totes didn't glove up for our sexathon! I totally didn't even notice until like, right now." And then the other person (and it kills me when the hero has to inform the heroine of this) goes, *gasp* "I totes didn't even REALIZE! Boy, I'm glad you pointed that out, cause I was clueless."

Ok, here's my beef. So they didn't use a glove. Yes, in real life kiddies, NO GLOVE NO LOVE. Period. Howevah, I can forgive it a bit in fiction, esp paranormals where they so often have the convenient escape clause that no sexy werewolf, vampire, zombie dudes and dudettes carry icktastic and unsmexy things like crabs and gonorrhea (cha cha cha) so the only thing you have to worry about are unplanned lurve childrens poppin up like it's Flava Flave's House O' Paternity.

Well, if it's not the bareback rodeo factor that's bugging me, what is you ask? And I'm sooo glad you did *angelic smile*

Well, here's the thing, I admit to not being a sexpert, but when you ride the pony bareback until the buzzer goes off (prayin to the sex gods it's more than an 8 second ride or we have more probs than this) there's usually a lil evidence. You know, like a t-shirt that says, "I lasted the full 8 seconds" or something like that, but not like that, you know what I mean. Anyway, not to mention that I can understand forgetting the first time in the heat of the moment. It should become pretty damn obvious immediately after, though, what has gone down, or in, or off, or WHATEVER. However, let's play along and say that you're too busy cuddling and cooing and staring into eachother's eyes and arguing over who's prettier to be bothered with clean up or noticing your ALL AROUND NAKEDNESS (which at this point, I don't believe you're with a man, so if you're a lesbian it's a moot point anyway). Ok, so you didn't notice right away cuz you were falling into the deep pools of his/her eyes...yada, yada, yada, but the next time you go to saddle up, and you know there will be another round, it's kinda hard to believe that you'd not notice that YOU ARE MISSING SOMETHING IMPORTANT. Unless this is all metaphoric sex.

So, yeah, when I read about how the lead couple had a 3 day sexabition and totally didn't notice the lack of a rubber for the WHOLE DAMNED TIME, I kinda want to scream. They are obviously too dumb to reproduce, so I beg the author kindly to make sure the heroine either gets on the pill stat or the hero must suit up from here on out.

Now, I ask you, have any of you noticed that kind of thing in romance, erotica or UF? Does it bother you like it bothers me? Why or Why not?

And as always, Big Fat Smooches! ;)